To Love at All...

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements;lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers...of love is Hell. (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.)Today I am tired. I'm tired of my heart and life being hijacked. Or at least that's how it feels. I am tired of tiptoeing around the feelings of others so that their delicate hearts are no longer hurt. I'm tired of caring.. I feel exhausted and alone in the caring. I know it is selfishness on my part and that makes me even more tired. Maybe I'm just depressed... I don't know. I could blame the weather, the grey skies and lack of sunshine for bringing me down. It just seems like I spend my days trying to keep those around me from feeling down, or feeling angry, or feeling lonely, or feeling anxious, or feeling jealous, or upset. So I avoid friends, for fear of evoking those things in others. I avoid certain ministries. I avoid stepping on toes... all that avoiding leaves me very little. Work and entertaining... but both of those even in a limited sort of way. Technically I know, that if I quite worrying about pleasing people and started to focus on pleasing God and loving Him... I would find rest and perfect peace. I would be able to find that life abundant that I am seeking. But inevitibly when I do this someone I care about becomes hurt and angry and holds me responsible. I know it is a spiritual battle. I know that God can work it out... that He will fight for me. But in that moment I tend to just give up and give in. I cease and dissist in living my life and go back to bed. It's a terrible, vicious cycle and I want out. Please Father lift me out of this. I pray that you keep me from hiding and hardening my heart. Help me to stay vulnerable to you and your work in my life. Amen

09.09.09

Abba, I need you.
please do bless me indeed. Bless my family and friends - all those that I love.
Thank you so much for all that you have already given us, it is more that we deserve and I am so thankful for the inheritance.
Father, please do keep J and the baby safe. Protect them with good health. I pray for healing for my Dad. Father, I think sometimes he craves it, and sometimes he's afraid of it... but I pray that you heal him so very completely. I pray for the health of all in our family, please Father bless us with good hearts and organs and muscles and minds and eyes... and all of it really... I pray for healthy emotions and memories.
And Father do please bless G... lead him in paths of righteousness. I pray you give him wisdom and courage and strength. Show him clearly the way you want him to go. Please do make him a man after your own heart and lead him into a ministry that brings You glory.

I pray for the congregation here. Help us to know our place within it. I pray you show us how best to bless the people there, especially those in leadership. Father in heaven, we are in desperate need of your leadership. We need the truth of your word to be spoken boldy and the truth of your Grace to be preached... you know even more clearly what we need Father and I pray that you bless us. That hearts will not grow cold, but rather that we would grow in love for one another, and be unified as a church body. I pray that any gossip or rude talk be rooted out and stopped. I pray that it would be traded for encouragement and kindness. I pray that love would increase and self centeredness would decrease. I pray that you increase and we decrease.

Father, do bless us... have mercy on us.

Veh bishfil G veh ani... zeh ephshar?? bevakashah? not my will but yours be done.
Ani ohevet otcha!!
xx G

02.01.09

Father in Heaven thank you for this new year. Please do forgive me for all the atrocious things I have done and the ways I have hurt you, others and even myself. Thank you that you do forgive sins because of your great mercy. Your grace is such an amazing gift.
Father today please heal L... and others suffering with the same ailment. Calm them, give them peace... be their peace, when nothing is making sense to them and fear is taking up residence in their hearts. Help them to breathe easily and their hearts to beat normally. Help them to focus on you the author and perfector of their faith. Father I pray specifically for L right now. Help her to see you so clearly right now. Father, if this is indeed a spiritual attack as well, and not just physical, I pray that you fight for her. That she will be still and dwell in your protection. I pray you send your angels to guard over her right now. Help her to be able to rejoice in the midst of it and to be able to praise you. I pray that her mind will not be caught by any temptation to fear, to listen to lies about herself, to listen to lies about You... protect her Father, mind, body, soul, and spirit. I pray that you provide rest for her soul, even in the midst of a busy day.
I pray all this is Jesus name. Knowing you hear, knowing you care.
Ani ohevet otcha Abba,
Amen

16.10.07

Todah Abba... Ani zrichet otcha!! Todah al hashabbat service. Gam shey zeh efshar lisper lihitarot leh eiron.
Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have - and ever hope to be.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into your hands.
for it's only in your will that I am free...
Thanks for the message, I hear you.. now help me walk in the truth. Father thank you, that no matter how Bob felt that day about it he delivered your word and you used it to speak to me personally... it's seemed so long since that has happened in a service and I know that I needed it. Thank you.
Azorli Abba... Azorli lehiot beh ha "path" shelcha.
Ani ohevet otcha Adonai adoni, veh Ba'ali lehiot :D

14.06.07

Father thanks for the talk with J. It's so good for me to hear things from her perspective. To hear of her struggles turns out to be an encouragement for me. Thanks for even the possibility of her coming for a visit, I feel so blessed to have friends that really would travel this far to see me. Amazing !
Please Father bless her, help her to live free from the baggage of her past, the hurt of her parents divorce (and for all my friends that have suffered this). Please lead them forward into a good future that you have laid out for them. Please don't let the sins of the parents affect them adversely today. Set them free please Father, to embrace the life they really do long for, but are afraid of. Help them not to fear love, to fear committment, to fear marriage because their parents marriages ended disasterously.
Father, thanks for the time at Beantrees (a bit of an emotional rollercoaster that one, but it was good) and thanks for T, for her kind heart and all her encouragement. Father help her to hand her worries over to you. For K and moving and her mum. Please give her rest and peace. Thanks for J N... Father you really have blessed me with good friends; that I can be both honest and vulnerable with - so Amazing and I'm learning so much.
Father lead me! B'shem Yeshua
Ani ohevet Otcha.

11.06.07

I'm a right mess aren't I? I'm so untrusting... or at least I'm probably trusting in the wrong things. Father please forgive me. Purify my heart and mind, please Father. Help me to remember who you are. King of Kings, Lord of all creation, perfect in Holiness, working wonders. How could I even think that you might overlook something, or someone... and yet I do... Somehow I forget who you are, I forget your very nature. So much for saying I love you. I don't even know you really. forgive me Abba. I need you. I need to know you. I need to find my worht in you and you alone. I've turned my eyes off you too much lately so no wonder I am in a bit of a funk... no wonder I feel lost, I've taken my eyes off the way.

Father help me to shift my focus back where it belongs. Thanks for K's email today... I needed it. Please Father draw her close. Help her to see and understand clearly the path marked out for her. If it's time to move on (maybe it was years ago) help her to know it and not be afraid. Help her to step out in faith and move forward with her confidence placed firmly in you. She's feeling so defeated right now...not unlike myself. Father please take her burdens and bless her so much. Bless her with a knowledge of the way you love her. Please Father.
Gam bishfil Eiron, bevakasha Abba, Azor lanu!
I keep meaning to pray more for L&K's decision too and haven't been, but Father please grant them wisdom. Wisdom about her parents. Wisdom about the houses. Show them your good, pleasing and perfect will. Help both L & K to be so certain in this that they know, no matter what they can trust you in it and for all the details. Grant them a peace that passes all understanding please Abba -AMEN!

Now Abba, I have no idea what your thoughts are on all my activities and it's my own fault because I have failed to consult you really. Father please guide me, show me where you want me to expend my energies and how. Show me how you want to use me and help me to gladly surrender to your plan and your will. Please Father Bless me. Please, give me peace about the future and help me to place my trust in you. Father I love You...very incompletely, but I do love you. help me, however, to love you in spirit and in truth. To love yu with all my heart and soul and mind and please Father enable me, by Your Spirits power to lvoe my neighbours as myself.
Amen
Psalm 55:22
Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

25.05.07

What a weekend, so different than expected... in a good way :D
Thank you for the safe trip and the good times with J and L. Father please forgive me complaining lately, I know that you really are so kind and merciful. It really does seem like one hard lesson after the other, and the situation made worse because I am missing my quality time with you. I am so glad for the time with B and L this weeknd, even in the midst of their frfustrations, despite that it's been good, and they have been so hospitable, even to have T over last night. Father help us to focus on your blessings and the be thankful...grateful for the lives you have given us, even with all their complexities. Father please help me tosee clearly the way you have mapped out for me, and not be afraid to walk in it. Bishfil anu, ve ha beit ha'kafe.. Ma Achshav??
Father thank you for giving me such joy in the last few days. Thanks for the talks with various strangers, like the Evelyn Charles girl and the woman in the British Imports Store, and F - etc. So interesting, entertaining even :D
Father please bless us indeed, enlarge our territory, keep us from sinning which hurts you, others, even oursleves. Please draw us into a deeper relationship with you.
B'shem Yeshua Ha Mashiach, Amen!

05.23.07

okay so I have to admit, you not only answered those prayers, you answered them with mercy and with grace. Thank you so much. Thank that the money really did go to the G's amd that the E.I stuff was just a glitch...thank you!
Thanks for the time with C and the chat with S on the phone, it's been great -please continue to give us wisdom about the Coffee House et al. I know you know the future, help us to trust in you as you continue to revela it. Thanks for Dan and Joy's safe trips and beautiful wedding, please do bless their life together.
Ani ohevet otcha Aba!
xx's G

16.04.07

Your heart must just ache with those hurting families. Father please comfort them.
I pray that Laurens parents and friends weren't injured or hurt in the shooting, please Father help them to be a blessing at the school and to offer hope that comes from you to their friends, students and associates. I pray that those that died today had ample opportunity to hear the truth about you and respond. That many of them chose those last moments to repent of hard hearts. I pray that they had time... I know you are merciful Father, and I pray that many of those heard of you, repented and find themselves now in your presence. I pray that you bring amazing blessings out of this heart wrenching tragedy. That many will seek you and find you because of this. I pray all these things in Jesus name...
Amen <3

13.04.07

I'm crying inside and out. Won't you please draw me out of this... I feel so helpless. Hurt, lied to.
I'm just so sad, and I need you but I feel to weak to call out.